Harry Potter and the annoying fanfiction
by Spicked
Summary: Harry Potter and friends has to stop and evil fanfiction from being written.
1. In which the story begins

Chapter one

ONE DAY in Harry Potter Land, Potter hid in the shadows, because he thought Draco was following him.

He was right!

Draco was with his girlfriend, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, but most called her; "Little Slut" or "Girl With The Obscenely Long Name".

Draco and Little Slut walked by.

Oh, thought Harry. I must have been paranoid once again.

Now that the last book was written and done, Harry had nothing else to do but to stay at Hogwarts, and Voldemort was dead.

(Strangely enough, so did everyone)…

But, he continued to his dorm.

Harry now spent his time writing Pokemon Fan-fictions on fan , seeing as he had nothing better to do.

Of course, he had tried jobs, but none worked out. Mac Donalds was a fail, and…well, that was the only job he'd had.

He returned to the dorm, where Ron was.

"Ron you thing, get out, I need to concentrate while writing my fanfic." Harry said grumpily.

Ron watched Harry intently and was MASTICATING TO HIM!!

Harry was shocked, but somewhat happy that someone was chewing at him.

Harry sat at a Wizard computer, and loaded it up.

"I love these Wizard Computers." Harry said.

"I don't think you should call them Wizard computers just because we have fibre optic broadband." Ron said bluntly.

Harry ignored him.

Ron got up and went over to Harry's 'Treasure Chest Of True To Life Toys And Memorabilia', which they later abbreviated to 'Big Ol' Box O' Crap".

It was full of toys, wallpapers, games, teddies, Lego sets, bed covers, book covers, and much, much more from Harry's Famous period, all of them 'Harry Potter' branded.

"Cuh-mere!" Ron cried as he pointed his wand at a can of Pepsi. It flew across the room, into his hand. "Ugh, magic always fucks up drinks." Ron said, as he took a sip.

Harry typed away.

'Ash Ketchum threw a poke ball at Misty's head.

"Shut up and cook my dinner, bitch." He said. I watched as she nodded quietly, and took her Starmie with her into the kitchen. I went into the kitchen also, and Ash went upstairs to the toilet, I assume. I comforted Misty.

Suddenly we started kissing all over and I got all hot like an erection except due to the Mudkip incident, I didn't get one you sicko. Misty was so freaking hot under her clothes and I kissed and licked her all over-'

Harry rested his fingers.

"Let me read, Hazz." said Ron playfully.

"No." Harry said, minimising the window. He covered his boner with his other arm- he'd got horny from what he'd typed.

Then, suddenly, without warning, Voldemort appeared!

"Warning, warning, I am appearing!!" Screeched Voldemort.

He appeared in an explosion of stink.

"Dayum, you smell like bad Chinese food." Said Hermione, walking into the room.

"Be quiet, Harmonica!" Voldemort hissed, licking his nostril repeatedly for several minutes.

"Frenchitup!" Hermy shouted, and pointed her wand at Voldemort.

Now he smelled of garlic!

"Ah, Garlic, that makes me stronger!!" Voldemort said.

"Nooo!!" cried Hermioney.

"Fill in the blanks barrage!!" Voldemort said, and pulled out his WOMB!!

"EWWWW!!" Hermitcrab cried.

"Sorry, typo!" Voldemort said, and pulled out his wand.

A blast of test papers shot at In-Her-shoes, and she cried out in angst.

"NOOOOO, my secret weakness!"

"I wish this narration would hurry up and give us a decent line." Harry said, but Voldemort turned towards him.

"Prepare to die, Harry Potter." he growled.


	2. In which there are 666 words

**Chapter Two**

"OH MY GOD IT'S IAN HART." Harry yelled at Voldemort.

"No, you fool, tis I, the real one! How else would I have know Hermarracas secret weakness?" Voldemort hissed.

"True." Harry mused, "But you're not strong enough for me."

"Mweeehurhur," Mouldy Voldey laughed; licking his nostril once more. "You think so?"

"I know so."

"What's that there? ? EH? EHH??"

"NO!" Harry cried, blocking the computer.

"OUTTHAWAY!" Voldey cried, pointing his wand, and Harry flew across his bed.

Voldemort mercilessley looked through Harry's browsing history from the last 4 days!

"Hahhah, _double you, double you, double you dot- shaving ryan's privates dot net_!! A GAY PORN SITE!!" Voldemort hissed in joy.

Everyone looked at Harry.

"I stumbled upon it by accident." he said.

"I believe you, Harry." said Ron, who turned to Voldey. "But, how would you know, VOLDEMORT!?"

Voldey coughed.

"I'll be back, watch yourself, Harry!" and he disappeared.

The next day, Harry, Ron and HerashioKane were walking through the Griffindor common room, when that old fart Dumbledore strolled in.

"Holy HELL, he smells like _mothballs_." Hermanny said loudly.

"Hush your lips up, Mrs. Granger, I have important news." Dumbledore said.

"Well, what is it?" asked Ron, picking at his ear.

"Well, SOMEONE has told the muggles where our Hogwarts is..."

"And?" Ron interrupted, flicking wax from his finger.

"AND, if you'd hush your lips up, you'd know _THAT_ the muggles have an obsession with _YOU_, Harry." Dumbledore pointed in Harry's face.

Harry viewed the dirty fingernails for a brief moment, before batting it out the way.

"So what?" asked Harry, checking his own nails.

"Look outside, Mr. Potty."

Harry hated it when Dumbledore called him that, but nevertheless, he went over to a window and peered out.

Hundreds, upon _THOUSANDS_, upon perhaps _BILLIONS_ of muggles were walking towards Hogwarts, holding allsorts of banners, posters, t-shirts and other stuff with; 'I HEART HARRY POTTER' on it.

"Oh my _god_!" Harry cried.

Dumbledore nodded grimly, and averted his eyes to the oncoming crowd.

"They'll rip this place apart, looking for you Harry." he said quietly.

"Who told them where Hogwarts was?"

"I do not know..."

Harry suddenly remembered Voldemort's strange appearance earlier.

"It was Voldemort." Harry said, clenching his teeth.

"Well you must get out of here, Harry. You must flee, so Hogwarts can be saved."

"But I don't know where to go!"

"Can't you go back to the Dursley's or whatever they were called..?"

"No."

Dumbledore smiled.

"Then you can stay with me."

Harry's eyes widened in horror, and he remembered how Albus was homosexual.

"No thanks, Albus. Come on, gang, let's get rid of the muggles."

The group headed outside to the cheering crowd.

"Oh shit. There's _ZILLIONS_ of them!" Ron gasped.

"They smell like _baby sick_." Hermanchild said.

"**OH MY GOD IT'S SLASH**!!" Someone in the crowd screamed.

Saul Hudson, A.K.A. _Slash_, the legendary guitarist of Guns N Roses stepped out from the shadows.

"Don't worry, Harry, you run, I'll keep the crowd busy." He said, and began playing 'Welcome to the Jungle'!!

"Thanks, Slash, I owe you one." Harry said, and he and his friends deftly ran past the crowd.

"Hey, there's Harry!!" someone else yelled, and the _QUADRILLION_ many-crowd began chasing Harry and friends.

"Oh crap, we're gonna have to use one of those Portkey things!" Hermarchingorders said with a flourish.

She pulled a damp dildo from between her legs, and smiled dreamily as it was pulled out.

"All hold on!" She cried.

"It's slippy, and smells like tuna casserole!" Harry moaned.

"Shut up and hold it!"

Ron and Harry held on.

"_Swtcharoo!_" Hermaster cried as she cast the spell, and the trio were transported.

Dumbledore watched from the window as the angry crowd marched back towards Hogwarts.

"God speed, Harry. God speed." he mumbled, as something brown and sloppy hit the window.


	3. In which an egg does talk

Part Three

When they landed, the trio were in what appeared to be the slums.

Rats, mice, pigeons, cats, dogs, and small elephants wondered the streets.

"Ok, now what?" asked Ron, once again, picking at his ear.

"Well, I suppose we should find Voldey. That no nose bastard has done all this!" Harry said angrily.

"He also looks like a bald Michael Jackson." Hattrick laughed.

"Strangely, I see where you're coming from." Harry agreed.

Ron continued scratching his ear, under he pulled something small out.

"Harry, look!" he cried.

"ZOMG!" Harry yelled. "It's a tracking device, by looks of it."

"How would you know what a tracking device looks like?" Humpty Dumpty said- and no, this isn't Hermoine.

The group turned around, to see a large unshaven egg-shaped man sitting atop a wall. He looked rather ragged, dirty, his hair was scraggly- not at all nice and straightened, then styled with wax like mine is occassionally. Humpty smoked a small roll-up ciggarette, and he coughed loudly, hacking his lungs, then he spat a large glob of creamy phlegm onto Hermione's face.

"HEY!" she cried.

"What's your problem pal?" Harry said, brandishing his wand."I'll be pushing you off that wall in a minute, Dumpty!"

"Dumpty? UGH another who thinks my name is Humpty Dumpty." Humpty spoke with a thick new york accent.

"Then what is it?"

"Let me tell you my story...

"As a child, I was always big for my age. My mother sat on me for god-knows how long, thinking I was an egg! And dad? ...Dad just sat there. Anyway, school was terrible- who wants to date a guy who looks like a fricking egg? I'm in my fifties for god sake, and I'm still a virgin."

Harry, Ron and Hermachomachoman covered laughs.

"And now? I sit here. My dad was cruelly pushed off a wall, and then eaten! You know the rhyme;

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

The greatest fall that anyone had ever fell...

and he fell...

and he fell...

until...!

All the king's horses,

All the king's men,

And the starving villagers,

Had egg for breakfast lunch and dinner,

Again, and again, and again..."

"That's uh, neat, Dumpty JR, but we got to go..." Haryy began.

"My name is Steve!" Humpty Steve yelled.

"Ok, Ok."

"Oh my god, Harry, Look!!" Ron cried, pointing at the sky.

The Dark Mark formed in the sky- it was a skull, sucking on a penis.

"Voldemort is here!" Steve said, aand fell back off his wall with a nasty crack.

Voldemort appeared before the trio.

"Damn right!" he said with a laugh.

"Voldemort, you bastard. You told the muggles where Hogwarts was, and now they're tearing it apart!" Harry lunged at Voldemort, but Voldemort moved.

"Eh?" he asked, licking his nostrils again. "No I didn't."

"Liar!" cried Ron. He got out his 'wand'.

"Ew Ron, put your penis away, please!" Herfurryferret cried in horror.

Ron frowned and put it away, but then pulled ou this wand!

"Odoureaters!" he cried, and Voldemort began hissing and screaming in pain.

"Stop, you ginger biscuit!" Voldemort cried.

"Ron, stop. I think he's telling the truth." Harry said slowly.

"I am. Why would I tell the muggles where Hogwarts is? If they love Harry, they hate me! They'd rip me apart like they're doing to the school." Voldey explained.

"He's right. If he didn't do it, then who did?" Harry asked.

"Only one person, and it doesn't make any sense, but bear with me." Voldey said. "The only person who could have made it happen...would be the person telling this story!"

"What, the fanficker?" Ron guessed.

"Yes. So we have to find him, and kill him, and delete his story, and hopefully everything will go back to normal."

"But we don't know where he is."

"Well, I know a guy, who knows EVERYONE. He can supply us with a a map."

Harry had zoned out of the conversation, and was thinking about HIS fanfiction, about Pokemon. _Oh, Misty, I cried, fucking her hard. You're so good. Ash sure taught you well... Oh Harry- you're better than ever, kiss me, kiss me, you magic thing...Harry. Harry!_

"HARRY!!" Screeched Voldemort, his voice rivalling that of a banshee.

"Eh? What?" Harry said, turning away. He moved his erection so it was upwards, trapped between his jeans and his stomach.

"Are you coming? We are going to get my friend, The Merchant."

"I didn't know we were doing that."

"**Ack TUNG!!**" Voldemort howled.

"I didn't know he was _german_." Ron said to Hereelsupinsideya.

The group wandered through the slums of wherever they were, following Voldey, who apparently knew the way.

They had to ask for directions twice.

"Well we don't need to ask for directions." Voldey insisted.

"Yeah we do, we're lost." Her said.

"No, I'm a man, I know where we're going!"

"We've walked past this porn shop _Simply Pleasures_ four times now."

"No, no. I'm not lost. Just...temporarily misplaced."

"I'm going to ask."

Hertwinkie went over to a hooded man who stood near the porn shop.

"Excuse, me, do you know where The Merchant is?" she asked.

In a gruff cockney accent, the man replied.

"Stranger, stranger, you've come to the right place!"

"You're The Merchant??"

"Yeah, 'ave you not played Resident Evil 4?"

"No."

"Oh..."

Voldemort came over.

"Merchant, my good friend, how are you?"

"I'm good, thanks, you?"

"I cold a slight case of the sniffles, but nothing too bad!"

The pair laughed like old friends do.

"Wanna go for a pint, later?"

"Aye, I do." The Merchant chuckled. "What is it you need?"

"A map. A map showing the way to _The Fanficker_."

The Merchant gasped.

"But he's like, the creator of this land! the creator of everything!! He's a very dangerous dude, why are you doing this?"

"He's ruining my chances of killing Harry. He's gonna get me killed!"

"Oh, well I do have a map, aye, showing the way. But it's dangerous, you have to go through 4 different, but predictable areas before you arrive at the Fanficker's lair."

"Predictable? Like, a fire area, a water area, an desert area, and...?"

"A jungle one."

"Oh. Pfft, peice of piss."

"We could just use that apparating spell to get there." Hermarlon suggested.

"That would defeat the object of an adventure, and make this story about 5 pages long." Voldey explained,

"Oh."

"Yer...Thank you, Merchant, I will be in touch!"

The group set off, with Voldey leading the way and the yellowed map in their hands.

Would Harry finish his fanfiction?

Would Harry save Hogwarts?

Well considering who the story is about, it's not that difficult to decide is it?


End file.
